'almost-classes' thoughts

when at the beginning of a long break, you plan your life around a bunch of books and reading, don't. it NEVER happens. but come to think of it, not planning it around that results to pretty much the same, nothing. you think about it but you think again and go the other way. it's such a playful sun-filled day, why waste it indoors? or why waste it being the boring nerd you have become for the past semester? sure. you have just become the greatest and bulkiest pillow among the rest lying on your bed when you made either decision. congratulations. there is no lesser evil. your only difference now (from your other pillows) is that you have the capacity to reach for and click the remote. more congratulations.

my time is ticking. and it's always the same thoughts. 1. gah, i wasted so much time. 2. but i had so much fun. 3. so much fun doing nothing? 4. i deserve it don't i? 5. did my classmates study during this break? and the list goes on. i'm probably going to class next week thinking that i should have regretted the lost time but maybe i don't regret it actually. but i will tell myself that when i get to school, i will not waste any more time. even then, i probably will still. *sigh.

wow.

i know myself too well. that's exactly what i would say. that's exactly what i would do. i remember asking the Lord to give me a focused mind, i remembered asking about 3million and a half times, but i'm not sure if i'm getting the package. sometimes i am pumped up to hit the books but sometimes, and when it's not absolutely necessary to be doing anything, the laze just creeps in.

bottom line is, this sem break has been sadly an unproductive one but it was basically all i dreamt of at the time when med school was killing me. so i still love how it treats me. for my last days, i will not rush myself into anything school-related but i do to get back soon. days like this are always great and i am definitely a fan of LAZY. :) peace.

shit happens

death. by accident. i would imagine this is how it feels like. the world suddenly turns pitch black. your mind becomes cloudy; you're confused as hell and where you're gonna step next is a big uncertainty. but more than that big uncertainty are more and bigger uncertainties that no one-- no one can clear for you.

where am i?

what am i doing here?

what was i doing last?

who was i with again?

where's everybody?

and suddenly it hits you like a big yellow school bus (initially i was going for a non-cliche, made-up alternative but heck, there's no substitute for the real thing). and you ask, in the faintest and most clueless voice you've ever let out, AM I DEAD?

you wish and pray that no one gives you the right answer but now he comes, the hooded figure with a long, sharp and shiny toy in his bony fingers. he didn't have to have an answer because for some reason, now is the only time that everything became clear to you. the answers to your questions were pointless, the darkness around you have never been more comforting. you lie down and curl up like a baby as he comes closer.

i thought it was going to be fun. i was a daredevil. WAS.

thoughts: PARACHUTE ACCIDENT

what else CAN we do, shit happens. but this ain't one you GET OVER easily.

SHAME. big and bold.

hello lover. it's been a while. a long while.

in case you're wondering, this is what i'm doing these days. i practically own our penthouse. food, drinks, flat screen, macbook and wifi. plus the gorgeous scenery. nobody would come up here because my sisters are still in manila, my parents are in their clinics and my brother's dota-equipped computer is downstairs. so all the goof offs happen here.

it's october and i've only said 13 things since the beginning of this year to you. SHAME. where did all my musings go?

here's my theory.

i'll have you know that since med school started, i have been open to many 'real' things. not that i've lived in a world of the unreal before it, but i began to understand the processes of many 'real' things as i walked/ran its course. there, no magic can hide how a blush turns you red as a rose or how a beautiful dinner turns to.. well, the most indescribably horrid and insignificant 'poo'. the human body became all unfamiliar and mysterious to me ever since i started and considering i practically lived in one for the last 20 years, it's odd that i know so little about how it works. SHAME. if that's a headache, i also wonder about how the other beings work, and the stars and the seas. talk about feeling tiny and clueless. i wonder if there's anyone who lived and learned it all.

the truth is, however, it is impossible to know all things. it is impossible to remember all that you've read from the beginning of your course that you just have to read it all again when the dreaded 'cover-to-cover' finals comes. it is impossible to learn about several fields all at the same time, or even all in the same lifetime. SHAME. sure a lawyer can also be a doctor, or a businessman can also be a physicist and be good at both fields but you can never really put them all together and be a cybertron who knows it all. if anyone is, somebody better kill him or he'll probably come up and enslave humanity.

i have only been in medschool for roughly 4 months, i have learned so much and crammed too many things that at the point in time when i do get to lie down and get to think about nothing, all my brain wants to do is to turn itself to soup and sleep until i'd need it again. and really, it shuts down. i don't even know what day it is. i don't even know if it is the day or night even. that i'm not ashamed of.

right now, i'm a fucking bum and i'm really good at it. if it weren't for my parents telling me what i should be doing every single day, i'd probably be hired to work as a log. i'm pretty good at lying around and doing ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY nada. but since forces around me keep me from taking that job, i am certainly still a functioning.. uhm thing. i still click on the remote quite often. i climb up and down the fire exit for fun. i still cook my ramen every so often. i still surf the net for things that amaze me, aka the gorgeous gentleman from the previous post below and his band ALL TIME LOW, plus other music. and i still drive (my new car, may i add. yeah i just met him this week. awesome.) that and other things i do everyday this sembreak.

lastly, i have current obsessions namely, the music of FOSTER THE PEOPLE, PARACHUTE (especially Will Anderson), THE MAINE and ALL TIME LOW. still. and forever. they are all adorable. now i noticed, i have began to type faster less cohesive sentences. so this is where i take off and show you what i can't speak properly of anymore. i'd babble if i don't stop now. so.

P.S. i have made a twitter account. i was forced i swear. its alex_bites. so i don't forget.

P.P.S. on a very important side note, if anyone has ALEX GASKARTH's number, please please forward it to me, it's very important. i have to marry him. thank you.

this is The Maine

this is Foster The People

this is Parachute

this is Will Anderson

and this is my All Time Low

oh here's a tip, a threat, whatever you wanna see it, don't judge them because of their hair. or gay poses. i should tell you that i knew their music before i knew them. so. do the same. if you hate, there will be war. maybe. peace out.

RIGHT NOW: i'd do anything just hold you in my arms. i'd do anything just to fall asleep with you. SWAG. :)

all time fucking low

i've known this band a while but i never noticed how adorable they really are and how deep i would fall for their awesome. :)

super wonderful night. danced like fuck. sang and screamed like my lungs will collapse. jumped like hell broke loose. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. i needed that.

p.s. i think i might have perfected the art of sneaking in a big ass camera where it's prohibited. :p

all time fucking low. 09.22.11 araneta coliseum. BONER NIGHT.

midterms.

Do you know how painful this week has been? Very. So I have two words: GOOD, and NIGHT.

if not now, when

i get it, incubus. 3 makes it a strike out.

so i worked my arse out for a patron ticket for you. and you were wonderful. and the night was one of the most stellar i know.

to brandon boyd: your chromosomes have combined beautifully. you were exactly like i imagined. :) you do something to me that i can't explain.i knew i'd get you to look. “My problem is you make me melt and I don’t want to be frozen anymore.” - Brandon Boydlights. camera transaction.
and then i died.

med school. bow.

its been weeks since i started wearing my uniform again. it's very difficult to stay awake. it's taking a while before i keep up with things. sort things. sort people. but it's fun. definitely. right now, i'm fascinated with anatomy, medical concepts and art combined. in fact, my old (slight) dislike of the idea of skulls in shirts, skulls in skateboards, skulls in tattoos has vanished. here are some of the things that i found. pretty awesome shit. :)

source: cool people who see it.
and as for my sanity's continuous operation, i try to be guided by this.thanks. see ya.

macauuuuuuu

ON LIGHTS, GAMBLING AND HOME.


i would love to live in you, city of bright lights
turn all my patacas to a million times their worth
drown my heart's fears in your structures' wild heights
burn my tongue over and over your famous wanton and broth

but bright lights would mean no more stars at night
games of chance and high hopes equal games of risk and possible loss
but your heights don't mean shit to the weak of heart
and it would take more than just soup or beef balls to feed a hungry boss

so off i go on a plane then, back to my little homeland
where the streets are labeled in characters i can read
no more malls in hotels, hotels in casinos oh so grand
just good ole familiar, here's the cèsuǒ, there's my bed.




macau was just what i needed. thanks mom and dad. :)

SUMMER so far

i must say this summer has been the best since four years ago. let me be more concrete.

the electric bill went up by less than half its original on regular days and the heat is just magnificently suffocating that you wanna take a bath 23 hours a day. also i have yet to work out the mechanism for immunity against that bloody headache that creeps up my back starting 6:30am everyday. and sure i'm not very productive most of the time and my mouth just keeps feeding itself like its synchronized with whatever my hand grabs. yeah thats possible. in short i have become the apprentice of the cross between jabba the hutt and a lamp. if i were to redo bruno mars' lazy song, it would go, "to-year i don't feel like doing anything." get it? instead of to-day i used to-year cos it's been a long time since i wasn't lazy and have done anything and i should stop talking cos its lame? but you know what, just to make me feel better about myself, the next list you'll see contains the things i did/ things i'm working on this summer. hurray for summer!

*holy week in zambales (as in tradition)
*went to macau (that included lots of walking, shopping, picture taking, eating, lots of fun really)
*enrolled for med school
*roll in dvds
*sleep late at night
*sleep whenever i feel like it
*do my parents' errands
*stay in the hottest place on earth (tuguegarao)
*tend the garden
*feed the snake
*fix my ipod
*read a book. maybe.
*watch american idol and NBA.
*write. something.
*listen to more switchfoot and mourn their leaving.
*forget about justin bieber.

*and a lot more stuff. but for now here's the update. addressed to whom it may concern. :) tata.
oh and i cut my hair. :D bye.

p.s. i hate FEU for giving me hell. FU.

listening to: gravity by sara bareilles

"You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain."

i am on a high. i am hyped up. i am sucked in a hopefully temporary warp. i might go crazy.

this is aaron johnson. if unfamiliar, there's google. the song verse up there just seems appropriate, i dunno.

i know i know he's one more cutie-patootie that's all over the movie scene but i swear he's not a chick-flick guy. he played lennon in a movie; ain't that something?

before my disease strikes again, and before i lose my calm, i am not going to try to tell you or myself, in this blog's case, now or ever, how gorgeous, out-of-this-world, bla bla, flowery flowery words, etc he is because, well you have eyes don't you? so do with them. i should toss in, though, that he has a british accent that melts butter in ice. (it's the high.)

there's a catch though. he's married. to a total big shot and brilliant artist and director. who is about 20 or so years older than him. and they have a kid. and it keeps getting more painful yeah? i know.

i don't have a point basically. i just...

no wait. i do. i love this! no school is the best! suck it.

in other news: i'm in cagayan. i'm working on a diet scheme. i'm doing disease inventory for my sister. she's a bastard. that's it.

p.s. get your dose: http://fyaaronjohnson.tumblr.com/ :D

passed!

this is mildly embarrassing. but i'm gonna write it still. i looked at my aisis account today and i have never been this happy to see D's. i know, i disgust the living buh-jesus of my fatherland (for history), all scientists (for biochemistry) and sheldon cooper and archimedes (for physics). sorry peeps but i care less about what you think than in passing and graduating. it was as simple for me to say, "basta pumasa" back when i was still stressed with the last million school work load and it is still easy for me now to see D's as marks of my efforts during the sem that was.

wow i'm not a failure, but a dead beat bum-- wala nang tatamad pa, wala nang mas lalaking procrastinator. to be honest, i didn't spend enough time in the library like i did the past years. i didn't stay up late a lot of nights, didn't edit my work over and over, didn't restrain pleasures enough. in short, i was a lousy student. i watched, slept, played whenever i wanted. i probably lost interest in the last year of college. there wasn't any time for savoring the aroma of the end of a long test because surely enough, there was another one coming up the next day. it was awful. that's why maybe i just decided to just swallow everything and told my hard subjects to fuck off. i ain't killing myself for no shit like you.

while i cursed my subjects, deep inside, i'm terrified that i might not graduate and i'm really begging fate to hold on to me right now more than anything first. and it did. so now, seeing my D-angles instead of F-ailures is a cherry on top of my otherwise unbearable senior year. i'll probably write a goodbye post soon when it starts to sink in. for now, i'm just gonna bum around for as long as i can. :D bye, bitches.

p.s. passed UE and FEU. i have a future! :D

bitches be crazy

the deliciousness has landed! - patrick star.

i officially finished all school requirements yesterday. *dance. it was horrible. i crawled to kiss physics' ass just so i could pass it. that's a shame. and also my fault.

anyway, i still don't know how to put things into writing for the longest time but i do know that i want to take note of this juncture. there are a couple more worries i have to address and wait for before i can finally breathe for the summer but i'm taking it easy for the next days nonetheless.

who said (A)ng (M)atulog (D)i (G)agraduate? that's exactly what i did and look where we are now? waiting for the list. aw man. i'm still anxious about biochem and history because i did bad there too. curse my inattentiveness and stupid sleeping patterns. i hope i didn't fail any. :s

i'm off to greenhills to get some things done. maybe get a new ipod casing. kthanksbye.

p.s. and to those who recently found out the cool apathetic feel to that phrase 'kthanksbye', you're not cool for using it everytime you post something. >:( yes, i'm irritated, you nitwit. stop. please.

grad blues

i am a sick procrastinator who gets things done only when they're totally ready to shoot me. nevertheless now, many still managed to pile up like unchopped wood or soiled dishes by the sink. i need more time but i don't want any more time. i don't want prolonged agony but i refuse to fix the cause of my complaints. i don't need help; i don't need a getaway-- it doesn't help. coffee keeps me up, but only to do other things besides schoolwork. whuss the matter wityu?

dunno man. i'm tired for no reason. i'm angry with absolutely no one to blame. hmm, smells like teen spirit all over again. praise kurt cobain.

why can't it all be cartoons? me and my issues. oh well. maybe my writing will make more sense once all these settle. for now, wish me luck.

i miss christmas. click photos to enlarge. :)
palauig. UP. don jose. around. xD

plans? hang myself.

DRAMA: Scene 1. Act 1- infinity.
Emotion: horrible.

i fear for my life and it kills me to feel this way.

i'm fucking beat of thinking about things i have to do, have to finish, have to die of. i plan ever-so-keenly what to do in the coming days, how to do things, how to not make a fool of myself and how to not die a horrible "death by failure." TO NO FUCKING AVAIL. technically, to some avail.

sure i get some things done in their right place in my time line but most of the time i just don't find comfort in anything that i plan anymore. i might as well say "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, STRUCTURE. I DON'T WANNA LIVE IN YOU ANYMORE. GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK!"

i want to be free. i want to stop this ridiculous mantra, "college. job. family. (cirque du freak. vampire's assistant)" i want to wake up and not think about what i need to do today. i want to look at the watch and realize, i don't need to be anywhere.

this is my issue. where it comes from, i'm not sure. years with some failures to identify with perhaps. or refusal to grow.

the thing about growth though is that all you need to do is get out of your circle. i'm doing the exact opposite. i'm stuck. in my present and in that planned future. i admire people who have their heart set to one road and that all they have to do is start walking. but i admire even more people who are faced with many roads all too scary but is willing to just close their eyes and let whatever push them to walk. now that is heart. what about passion you ask? passion is heart.

i blame so many things. i want so many things. heck i wanted to go to the world youth day but how damnit. how. right now i feel like typing junk because there's a pile of things written in my planner staring me in the face saying "if you don't do us you'll die"

i know this is most dramatic of me and i should just suck it up. someone ought to just strangle me and say "YOU WANNA KNOW HARD? LIVE IN THE STREETS AT NIGHT AND CHOLERA! YOU THINK YOU DON'T HAVE CHOICES TO MAKE AND YOU'RE BOUND, I HAVE TO PLAN HOW TO NOT DIE OF HUNGER! IT'S THE ONE THING I HAVE TO DO EVERY FUCKING DAY. OR ELSE BLOOD WILL BEGIN TO SHOOT OFF MY EYES!"

yes, my complaints are endless but again i must stop. right now i realize, this is bullshit. don't take shit from anyone. even from yourself. after you yell and rant like this. stop. do your homework. listen to music. pet your dog.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. - the fray. :)

capital L ame.

hey mom i have new friends on facebook. :D
i'm 50% sure it's bogus.

to my top four most favorite people in the world right now. cheers. in my dreams, you're superheroes.

click to enlarge.