backtracking

DISCLAIMER: I'M A LITTLE DRUNK. SO I MIGHT NOT BE WRITING COHESIVE IDEAS OR PROPER IDEAS AT ALL. BUT FUCK, NO ENGLISH TEACHER'S GONNA READ THIS SO IF ANYONE WISHES TO COMMENT ON THAT, TAKE IT TO MY ASS COS IT'S THE ONLY ONE THAT GIVES A CRAP. whut.

i'm in my pjs now ready to turn in. the festivities are still on full blast outside. my dog hasn't shut up til now; he got tired barking at every breaking noise i guess, he finally slept.

the salad was good. so was the ham, as always. but pizza's still the best. mmm. nobody touched the cake, oddly. guess none of us is a sweet tooth 'cept my mom who gave the fruitcake a go. i didn't just go to my blog because facebook on new year's eve is practically impenetrable, by the way. let me just clear that.

on to my objective, it's time to recap stuff that happened this year. or at least stuff i remember.

right. so there's the NMAT. did well. first step to medschool baby. kaching.
erm i'm near graduation too. yikes that scares me more than just about anything now.

three people dear to me died this year. there's lolo intong, lola loleng and uncle ricky. may they rest in peace and i hope they are happy wherever they are right now. that and a few more things made me sad the past year. things like how someone is stalking our family right now because he wants money. he sent threats. damn. but shh. and how i still can't like anyone. and how no one has sent me flowers yet. stuff like that.

stuff that made me happy, on the other hand include coffee, coke zero, my new ipod, phone, restored laptop, new icons, my renewed and improved love for my chemical romance. now i wont shut up about frank iero, gerard and mikey way and ray toro. i practically downloaded all their songs. that and many more things made me happy this year. that i can drive to far and crowded places also made me satisfied despite having a crappy car but i love that car. :)

i still hate school. and i'm still just getting by. oh ateneo won three-peat by the way. one of the things i wasn't able to write about here as well. school has been hell. well it has always been but not like this. that after it, there is no more i'd rather do than either sleep or watch TV. i also rediscovered the piano and it is lovely.

i'm gonna stop. because i'm sleepy. so. good night.

shut up and let me see your jazz hands.

hello long-neglected lover.

i wanted to tell you so many things since the last time i came by. i wanted to type my thoughts, experiences and heartbreaks for the longest time. but alas, as always, i didn't have the luxury of the hours. i still don't possess it at the moment but i fear that if i don't speak now, my chest would seize containing my precious heart.

oh hang on, i have to barf.

i just saw 'the young victoria' the movie and 'tale of despereaux' (did i spell that right) today and i'm still so full of the british accent and royal courtesies and language. i used to think that i would survive in the time of fairy tales and sherlock holmes but as it turns out, i feel i wont be able to go on without some little things. they are all so dignified and proper that cursing might completely vanish from my mannerisms. fuck no way. there i said it.

on to main agenda. i'd like to stay, type and blab endlessly about my life for the past months, the gap that has been breathing and clinging on this site, but i figured nobody gives two shits about my pathetic life, not to sound pitiful and self-absorbed. generally, i'm just not excited. about anything but sleep, coke zero, a hearty burger and music. (all maybe taken independently or altogether) the real deal is, i have to grow up and well, to put it quite frankly, it's not that i can't, it's just that i don't want to. i've always felt tired and bored of the 'much older' life. do i want new things? no. for petessake keep it like so. don't make me go on slurping my brain juice for mature adult decisions.

remember the rocker? robert fishman said he tried growing up for 20 years and well, it sucked. i agree. somebody has to do office work but it's just not that fun, believe me, i've tried it myself. right now, i have to be concerned about many many things that i'd love to shove off at the back of my unconscious more than anything else. i said i hated school but now there's nothing more i've ever wanted than to stay there, if it means getting these ridiculous grown-up concerns off my fucking back. i need to think of my future they say. that is what you're in school for they say. and that's what you have been preparing for all these years.

well.

why can't i just sit quietly at home and watch some tv and play video games?
why can't i just go to school and worry about a chem test instead of straightening my life?
why can't i just sit here and sip coke?
why can't i just go play my guitar til there are no more songs to play?
why can't i just play soccer in the rain until i die of exhaustion?
why can't i just dance in the rain and not worry about getting sick tomorrow?
why can't i just set off my alarm because i don't need to be anywhere the next day?
why can't i just play with my dog all day?
why can't i just go swimming all the time?
why can't i just live in the mountains and live my own vegetables, tend my own cattle?
and the list goes on.

wait i have a lot more questions. but i wont ask them anymore because to these, i already know all the answers.

i know i know, be careful what you wish for. good thing i'm not wishing, i'm just daydreaming. you wish for something you can hope for. in this case, it's just my imagination, just my imagination.

again, no, future, i'm not excited! i'm not bashing you. i just... i want you to take your time. distract yourself from getting to me that fast.

ray toro: face it, you're never gonna make it.
gerard way: i don't wanna make it. i just wanna.

i know gerard way. i wish i could say the same thing. i could but it's useless. i'm not afraid. i'm just worried more than i'm ticked off of course.

basically, i have a lot of things on my plate before i graduate. (graduate. the horror. but not graduating is death. so i think i'll take the road usually taken this time, thank you.) and really, it's not a small plate, it's a fucking solar dish goddamn. i don't hate my laze and my procrastination and my distractions but i do need to get smaller doses of them. gah.

shelley (in house bunny): so i have to learn stuff? about stuff?


apparently. suck. oh and life's a bitch and then you die.

i hate school

i really do.
now i'm sad.

diary of a bitter concert non-goer

i'm sorry john mayer, that night wasn't meant to be.

i was thrilled. i was 95% loaded. all i needed was the green light. but no. i didn't even care if no one came with me and that i have to drive all the way to moa on my own.

in retrospect, it would have been nice to have gone with someone. but nicer to have actually gone. :c yeah well. i had to cram a paper. things i do for school. oh the torture.

i wanted this so badly since the start of summer. but. i heard he was 'sabog' anyway. it was the last peg of his tour so he ought to be extra tired. same voice, style, swagger i guess but 'sabog' nonetheless. i mean, he looked less than pleasant then. to me. hair= no. shirt= seen cooler. drummer= not his drummer. he just doesn't look that appealing than he actually is to me.
the photo gets two thumbs up though. i think the event was strict on camera screening too. so that wouldn't have worked on me. i would have been crying the whole night for not having nice photos.

so. maybe next time, john mayer. i still love you. when i see you though, if i see you, try to look like this.

no title 2

you know what hurts me?

sunday. the day after the funeral. dad says, bakit hindi na lang si rafa (the dog) yung namatay? para hindi mashadong masakit. he goes on to say baka na lang sana. kahit lima pa.

bakit nung nanaginip ako na namatay si uncle mo ricky, tapos nagising ako hindi naman? bakit ngayon hindi ako magising? :'c

i hate seeing my dad sad like this. he never is. he can be super funny, sabaw, angry, unpredictable all the time but never too sad and dramatic. it just breaks me. i nearly caved and cried that instant.

september 15. my mom told me uncle ricky was confined at sph. that day i purposely wore this ring that had a 'mama mary and a girl praying' on its button. i felt like i needed so much prayer and supplication.

september 16. i went to the chapel in between my classes this day. my parents canceled their planned eurotrip in the last minute and that's when i felt afraid. i wanted to be distracted. i wanted to skip my breaks. i wanted to get it off my head. i can't get it off my head. my sister texting me medical stats that i don't recognize but clearly sounded bad did not exactly help.

and then i found out. wala na si uncle. i planned to go to mass after my 6pm class but i couldn't. i drove and parked near the chapel but i started crying before i could even leave the car. my sister tried to petition for the fast recovery but it turns out we're praying for the eternal repose of the soul already. my eyes throbbed that night. i hurt.

madaya at hindi pwede. it's so unfair. these were the two words that described our thoughts. nevermind my feelings, i thought what happened was just wrong. i hated it.

i looked over on my shoulder on that funeral and i saw my cousins and their mom all in tears. i was sobbing myself but i couldn't possibly imagine fully the horrible feelings that this incident has left them. i could only hope that this would turn out better for them soon. they felt better, i guess, when we got to the cemetery and we were going to close the casket. bye pa! wala nang iiyak a. dare! damn i was the only one who couldn't do the dare. oh man. i guess it's just me and letting things go.

i didn't know uncle ricky that much to tell his life story and to make a hero out of him but i did know him enough to say that he was a good man and that he it hurt to let him go just like that. he raised good kids. a lot crazy but not dysfunctional.

now. everytime i see this car, without fail, nothing else flashes in my head.. but him. i miss you.

no title

can we pretend that airplanes in the night skies are like shooting stars? i could really use a wish right now.

i hate death. it's the single bad thing without qualification. death is easy? fuck you, bella.

it's painful. nauseating. difficult. i feel like my stomach has been cut off from my system, stuffed with cement and sewed back in. why?

go to hell, you disease. you useless, insignificant lowlife are not welcome here. you're mindless grappling for somebody else's resources is a despicable, shameful and indecent way to feed yourself. and how dare you exploit that fast, you don't deserve anything! you are weak! you are not wanted and you have to crawl back to your pit and burn instantly. you are nothing but pestilence.

'parang talo yata si uncle.' - ma
'una na muna ako, nakkong.' - uncle ricky

sige po, uncle. :')



RICARDO C. DE LOS SANTOS. (+) September 16, 2010.

joey

this is depressing.

oh my painful childhood.

musings of that bum

blank. just like my test paper
my brain, it starts to whither
waste some ink, ye old slacker
(aa interupts)

come up with something proper

enumerate, identify, fill in that blank
dig up that good ole magic word bank
see now why it ain't what you call junk?
oh watch now how you painfully flunk.

the reading was harsh, you say
just sleep now and later pray
you were already going that way
you knew there was a price to pay

back to the blanks, how many items?
less than, i assume, last night's REMs
why didn't i just pay attention, damn

i feel dumb, i'm just like all of them.

cellmol exam.

screw you, inconsiderate prof.

makin' in by the pink moonlight

it's always penny and me tonight.

i need to keep myself constantly up nearly every night until about 3am so i can work on my readings. my tactics go from coffee breaks to plants vs zombie breaks to strolling outside the house to flipping through channels. so far i haven't gotten to any that hits the right spot. i'm awake in the meantime, while doing my study break rituals but as soon as i go past six words through the paragraphs, i'm catching zzzzz again. i tried not resting my back against anything, keeping the air conditioner off, munching on brain food but peanuts are just as useless in keeping my lids from shutting as watching a porno on HBO (you know, because they cut off all the scenes. good analogy, bad example. sorry.)

i'm trying a new method now. avenue= youtube. i search for super old videos of songs that i've listened too when i was young. it's double purpose see, i get to zone in my past and hope that the nostalgia will keep me awake. (awake not distracted. i hope) right now, i'm stuck with hanson. and boy did i just feel old. maaaaan.

here's one of my favorite hanson songs. enjoy. :)

anxious

i'm being too psych. then again, what do i do but feel sweaty, jumpy and bite my nails (emoticon-based). plus this half-working, half-slow and half-heavy slash hard keyboard i'm using at the computer lab makes me want to doubt my fingers' dexterity. i'm pressing the backspace bar more than any other key or combination of. it's so stiff and far apart. anyway, don't blame it on the inanimate object. that ain't gonna work.

i think i just cut class. i think there was no class. there was no notice. there weren't any people in the classroom either. should i have waited longer? but it was empty. now i'm not doing anything. i'm typing. surfing. waiting for my next class. wait. what happened there? what did i miss? did ma'am say we weren't meeting today? who to text? no one. i don't know anyone. what now? i should wait. i'll wait. i'll keep typing til the bell rings. is that it? was that the ring? is it time? should i go? i can't miss another class.

people cut without a worry. fast people. i'm sorry but i have trouble missing things i'm not supposed to. rule 1: DON'T CUT.

i'm not a nerd. i just don't like that anxious feeling when i'm not where i'm supposed to. bye.

NBA playoffs 2010 CHAMPIONS coming through.

i love LA Lakers!

hahahahahahahah

bum bum bum

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song.

oh man i am such a useless couch potato. i may not have been doing anything for the last two weeks of life, and i plan to be a bum til i puke of this lifestyle but i have done so many realizations over those lethargic but most exciting moments of this year (so far).

please refer to list below:

* my parents will probably never buy me a cool volkswagen. i checked. it was expensive.

* glee is entertaining but it's overdone. and it slowly becomes more and more annoying the longer you watch it.

* LUKE GRIMES is amazing.

* VINCENT PIAZZA is adorable.

* i have dreams of living in a good ole lighthouse. they're creepy but gorgeous.

* my mom is a nagger. not a surprise.

* there's nothing that john mayer music wont fix.

* it's sofaking hot.

* ANDY SAMBERG and JORMA TACCONE are my two new favorite people in the world.

* my sister's a pain.

* the beach is my favorite area in the world.

* LAKERS is still the best team. go KOBE.

* i hate people.

* i love coke. the drink not the.. you know. jenjenjehhn.

* ASSASSINATION OF A HIGH SCHOOL PRESIDENT is one of the best movies i've watched. yay.

* baseball is boring. i'm sorry baseball fans. it just is. really i'm sorry. i tried to understand it.

* there's nothing dumber than homer simpson.

* the election is taking forever.

* i hope NADAL wins. :D

* our penthouse is the best penthouse. it's not big but it's the best. :P

* i am currently being raised by a television set. oh man.

* i'm not a fan of growing up. it's boring.

* if i don't stop now, i'm gonna miss family guy. it's on fox right now. so. bye.

job's are for suckers. - glen quagmire.

fright night

WHO invited the corny title?? go. away.

REAL TITLE: man with the severe burns and a fancy for wolverine-looking metal claws- that's freddy: musings of a scaredy cat- that's me.

quick question, you think freddy kreuger would most likely hide under the bed or in a closet? just a question. nothing big.

oh did i mention that i'm home alone tonight? i just watched nightmare on elm street earlier today. good movie. bloody. not too much. disturbing yeah. as it seems, it's pretty much enough to snatch that insomnia out of me tonight.

freddy kreuger. i never paid attention to any of the other movies he was in. just like not giving squat about saw i, ii, iii, iv. v? i don't even know. slasher movies are awesome but are not quite my movie inclination most of the time. eh well. they're cool and all but after a while they just tell the recurring tale- something about revenge, something about what happened in the past, something about secrets revealing themselves. *yawn. needs more horror. but really, who knows horror?

time for some ice cream.

untitled. til i noticed. just now. weird.

i think it's time i talked like a book ate me and then threw up of me. again. like i used to. uh.

i haven't been writing anything that's not "not" productive lately. and i am bragging about it, lo and behold. in fact this entry is, as i would brand it just now, the most insultingly unproductive piece of writing that i have had in weeks. likewise, it might also still be so until a considerable amount of time until i get back to thinking nonsense at least.

i've been doing a lot of official human resources business lately as i am part of one giant oven with a number unbaked pies of pitiful stacks of printed material that tasted like awful ink. printer ink flavor was never one of my favorites. i have been revising manuals that gathered so much dirt in one corner of the oven that even if war broke nearby, the fortress of cobwebs and asthma-triggering dust would be too darn strong that the old ill-grammared and infinitely unedited fluffs of sentences would be left perfectly unharmed and still.. ill-grammared, infinitely unedited and by that time after, slightly crumpled and toasted but warmly shaken and seasoned with filth powder.

those revisions piled up on one side like millions of oversized flesh eating crabs that crawl, pinch and pull all contenders down to their dooms. translation: i had to fix those manuals fast. i only had 150 hours to make this department a little better than i first saw it.

and voila! it's done. yup, one-hundred and fifty hours of pure goof off plus a little work. i cant believe people actually take this ojt stuff seriously. i mean, holy crap, i was just putting "enough effort to get by" on mine really but i was earning loads of attention and doing so much for my site. that is, according to them. i'm not saying i worked in mediocrity and brushed this thing aside when i can, i did like my site, in fact, i was really comfortable in it, i just didn't particularly quote-end quote ENJOY the concept of office work but i did make the best out of those 15 days- i had a lot of things done. fixed. revised. changed.

i've heard of some of my classmates killing over pathetic stacks of reading and mountains of data junk. i've heard of super strict time cards. of mean customers. of unreasonable workload. oh man. i am not in the mood.

this has been the summerclass-long report of my life. it's much longer in my required journals. don't ask. i'm now officially a bum.

and sign out.

brad pitt is still perfect to me

i'm watching the curious case of benjamin button. again.

if i fail that chemistry finals exam, it's because of this. call me whatever you want for not watching it on big screen while it was on but right now, i really don't care. i'm just glad i was able to watch it already. after a bagillion years, that's a decent count. oh man.

anyway, it might be too late for a movie review because the movie had already gathered a shelf-full of awards from best film to best music to best make-up (of course) to best actor (of course) to name a few, but nevertheless, i'm still gonna say it; the movie is really cool-- really sad but awesome. the story is flawless and though it was weird as hell, it was overall super nice.

p.s. i'm really bad at doing reviews and giving comments. maybe that's why my critique of my life is most of the time irrelevant, erroneous and full of BS "-->" acronym of the day (valenton, 2010 :D)

enough about the movie, i think for the big (c)hunk of it all, brad pitt was still my highlight. i've had a little girl crush on that dude since meet joe black and boy did angelina jolie just flush a great heap of gorgeous out of the toilet. wait in the sewer, i'll look for yuuu! *crazed mode. oh meee. it's just sad that he's really just old now. :'( still. see?

as he was getting younger and younger in the movie, it was getting cooler and cooler and him hotter and hotter but the unfolding of events sadder and sadder. *i repeat words for emphasis. emphasis! :D and now i stop. stop.

stop.

point being, although they've been fussing about him lately about letting himself go with that horrible bush of a massive facial hair, brad pitt is still brad pitt and he's perfect because he is. nothing less. :)

stuff to do. stuff to finish. stuff to cry about.

pause.

FINALS WEEK. HELL WEEK. PAPERS. MOTHER EFFIN EXAMS.

breathe.

you know the drill. write after all else fails? :)) yeah. maybe.

night folks!

wish me luck. :)

in other news.

GIVE ME MONEY! i will wash your dishes for a month. :((

duuuuuddde

it rained today!

oh and chem boo!

my fault i guess

i got low in my chem exam. i got my paper just today. oh well. i did pass but it's far low compared to my first few exams. i must have missed something while i was reviewing or was i even reviewing diligently at all? probably. probably not. i didn't even realize the exam was up until a day before it.

so shall i attribute my low grade to miscalculation and lack of time? great. ignorance is your new best friend.

sigh. i'm gonna let it go. but i still hate it. my two-time streak broken. wow.

today... (edited)

today i saw rico blanco. in sonya's garden in tagaytay. **i'm probably writing about this some other time when i get the photos up in my documents.**

he was with some chick. not so pretty. okay i wasn't able to get a good look at her but i would have noticed goddess beauty if she had it. forgivable i guess. rico doesn't look crazy gorgeous anyway.

speaking of rico blanco. let me tell you one or two things about what i think of him. or let me not. LET THIS. (WROTE IT SUPER AGES AGO. STILL TRUE FOR ME I GUESS. IT'S TRAPED IN A WORN OUT SONG THOUGH. yugto.)

p.s. tamaaaaad.

no one cares but i should. wrong spelling yung trapped ko. :D but like i said, no one cares, i'll leave it that way. :P

not aral-ing. watching cool movie.

recap. recap. recap.

1. i was this close to screaming (out of the frekken random) because our final set of items in psy testing can't get a decent reliability coefficient. luckily, we were able to fix it before the week ended and just yesterday, we already dropped the questionnaires for photocopies. score.

2. sanggu elections are ongoing. i did abstain. :P not a lot, just a few that i dont know of and felt like ignoring. i hope my friends win. vote.

3. i forgot to mention about UP fair last week. i guess i got busy this year that i really wasn't able to enjoy it. i went one night and thats it. i didnt even have a good camera. bullocks.

4. school school and more school. wow. it's probably the mentality that i have a lot of things to do even when i don't have a lot of things to do that eats me up. i try to chill sometimes but it just doesn't cool me down; my thoughts still run up and down what's written in my planner.

5. i lied. i don't have a planner. for some god-forsaken reason, there are no good looking ones this year. and i can't take not good looking ones. i tried making one or some, i couldn't follow through, it was tedious work. this is also one of the reasons why i forget many things. gah.

6. passed the psy evaluation report last monday. it was a bad idea to cram it but seeing as to a lot did also, i guess that's as good as a supposed one month paper is gonna get. i'm just hoping for the best.

7. ash wednesday day. i woke up late and decided not to stress myself and race the clock horribly to school. so i cut my 730 class which was the only one i had for that day. boy was i unproductive at home that day. urg. then when my sister came home from school, we caught the 6:15 pm ash wednesday mass in our village.

8. i need to sleep earlier and awake to my alarm because lately i

have been missing them or cancelling them unconsciously.9. i need to catch up on some readings. a lot of readings. oh and i have a quiz on tuesday in chem.
10. post lab. social psy report. final administration week.
11. and no classes on monday. woohoo.

my sisters and i went to see PERCY JACKSON & THE OLYMPIANS: LIGHTNING THIEF. it was cool. like greek-mythology-never-sounded-this-interesting-ever-cool. this is where all my literature in high school comes to awesome. i like how the movie turned a really boring, ancient concept to a nice story. and thats the end of my thoughts for that movie. you know how i don't like to turn appreciatory comments for movies i like to movie review, oh no. i just like it.

logan lerman, the dude who played percy jackson looked cute. just cute. i remember the time i really liked zac efron. :) he looks a bit like him. see? he did okay. good job percy jackson.

on hearts and love

happy valentines losers.

wow. 19 years. nada. zilch. neverfrekkenmind.

i have a paper to write.

p.s. yesterday two people i know declared: nobody likes me, i will die alone.

damn ridiculous. i will dance on your graves if i find you leaving someone a widow/ widower. watch it.

i hurt

death doesn't make you feel numb like what the movies say. on the contrary, it makes you feel all the possible emotions and shitass feelings known to your body. it literally makes you feel like you just battled a thousand orcs. like spikes stabbed your chest. like sand rubbed your eyes. like gears twisted your stomach. your head spins. your nose runs. yet you know you want to feel happy for him who has gone. because in your mind, while he leaves you hanging in the mortal pain-ridden world with all those crappy feelings of grudge, hatred, constriction, he goes to "that" place. he is happy. he is at peace.

this weekend i went to my grandfather's funeral in zambales. he was the last male of the their YAP generation. i'm sure there are medical terms for how he died but in my book, he died because he bled and because he got wacked by a frekken ladder. it sounds crime-worthy and TV-like but it did happen like that. i've heard so many versions of the story that i don't even wanna know how it really happened anymore.

people he left: a wife. two boys. two daughters-in-law. four immediate grandkids. hundreds of other friends.

i'm not immediate but i feel awful about it. i was not that close to him. i only see him when we meet him at the church and when we gather during occasions. but he remembers my name. and that's the best of him. :) he remembers all of our names.

"mama is suffering from dementia. it's not easy for us." i saw lolo's family's pain. i saw them crying. i saw the difference of "mas maraming karamay" as opposed to only two of you crying. uncle francis and uncle cedric had the hardest time. their mom doesn't even remember who they are. :'(

i'm sorry.

now, i ask of you God, to give to them strength and peace. i need you to tell them that it will soon pass and lolo is in great hands.

to you, lolo, i miss you already. have fun. eat all the cake you want. :)

RIP Jacinto Yap

1926- 2010

SA-ohhh-SIN

it was painful. BUT SO FREKKEN WORTH IT. my limbs are still aching of being crushed. like i cant raise them beyond 90 degrees without hurting myself. i cant even scratch my back. and i feel like i havent washed all the sweat of other people that stuck to me. 

but enough about me. 

COVE REBER, i will kill, any day, to hug you. except last friday. i cou

ldnt. i was too busy lifting my jaw that kept falling off while you were singing. 

*exaggeration oh. you are my specialty* i'm writing like this because no one ever goes to blogspot anymore. WOOT. it's true. 

anyway, bottom line, that night was EPIC. TOTALLY FUCKED. 

yay, SAOSIN. i love this life.

SAOSIN!

saosin tonight baby! screw ACP, i'm living my life. love it. they're not m most favorite band of the century but we like them soo. yay. EXCITED. haha cove reber. :D 

in other news, i've been listening to a lot of paolo nutini lately. i love him. his accent and vocals are just.. you just wanna piss in your pants when you hear him. he looks good even. i didn't see it before but really. :) 

yapping (verb): talk at length in an irritating manner.

12:00AM. yz finally turns in. wakes every frekken body. 

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now she's on the phone. still yapping. 

yapping (verb): talk at length in an irritating manner.

LOUDER YZ! THEY CAN'T HERE YOU, IN URUGUAY!! JESUS MAN, SHUT IT. 

cranky. irritated. pissed. >:s

you know why "giving stuff up" is dumb. urgh.

you know why giving stuff up is dumb? gaah. i'm probably just ranting about one more random junk that i keep in my frontal lobe or developed there somehow but this might actually be relevant to serious things. 

just when i found the perfect internet site that will give me updates daily about my beautiful werewolf, jacob, **break** (let me just describe it)

TAYLORLAUTNERDAILY.COM

it's the most comprehensive and religiously sustained website of taylor lautner. everyday, there's a good enough amount of information that you would pick up from the posts. there's always something new, not to mention a very decent collection of nicely pixelated hot shots in a gallery, videos and all those downloadable memorabilia-- everything that a fan person would need to smile and fall off her seat each time she checks the site. it has all those polls, links to other galleries, get-to-know boards for taylor fans-- it's very interactive. 

**continued** the site owner/maker/ultimate maintenance person decides to shut it down. :( it has been around for 6 months and she couldn't go on with the project because she has other websites to maintain. (go ahead read the post) 

i'm being melodramatic and disturbingly overly reactive about this but i'm still gonna say it. it's like turning your back on taylor lautner. but thats not even the point; it's that abandoning something/ giving up something is super HAAAAAARRRRD but happens in like 2 seconds, when you say, "buh-bye". maybe for the owner of the site, it's just like one of the many sites that she made but for wide-eyed viewers like me, it's the appreciation and effort that comes with it. apparently, i am the "not ready" to let go, in this scene.  

i think i have issues with giving up things, abandoning, forgetting things that are important to me, but the most painful, losing interest with something you once greatly worshipped and just faded over time. the first three, you decide when it's time to get it over and done with but the last just spells out a big "NOT YET" with it. the difference is, you can't control the fading. even if you wanted to embrace the thing, the person a little longer, it just doesn't work that way; you will eventually just wanna sigh and let it be. i once loved harry potter sooo much i'd kill for a good seat in the movie house to see it, or a replica of a wand-- the story was amazingly eccentric when i was young that i coudn't stop being a hyperactive wacko for it. but as i grew up, i found it a bit too so-so (for lack of a better term-- taken from sir weevens). it grew too much on me as a kid that when i grew up, i really didn't know what it meant. i never wanted to not like it anymore, in fact i wanted to be a fan forever and keep it with me always. i look at my collection of HP things-- stickers, postcards, magazines, clipped newspaper bits etc. everytime i felt like losing my zest but it just kept on slipping away. and it was sad. 

and harry potter was just one of those things, bands are more painful to abandon. because along with my genuine liking of the band comes my love for their music as well. this is also the reason why i never ever used my REPEAT option in my ipod; i feel like if i listen to a song i really really like over and over again, i will eventually let it go because i have worn it out in my head. sooner or later i don't wanna listen to it anymore. if i must mention some, i love my chemical romance (we even went to their concert here), incubus, panic! at the disco and more but not as much as i loved them once upon a time (independently). to say it again and directly, i don't like the idea of losing interest but i couldn't control it so.. if there's anything positive about losing interest, it's losing interest only to a certain extent. let me explain. the signs of declining interest/ slowly turning my back on a band travels from one by one deleting their photos (i use as wallpapers on my desktop) from my phone and computer to removing their songs on my itunes and ipod. it's not like i wouldn't have access with those again (hello limewire and flickr), but it's still heartbreaking. 

in other words, IT'S FALLING OUT OF LOVE (interest), the most painful dance of desperately grappling something that you know is slipping. you don't want to give it up but you just can't not give it up. :s 

i don't want to think that the maker of the taylorlautnerdaily.com fell out of love with taylor. i'd like to think she's just busy, like she said. 

i know i don't wanna. :\    

let's be merry

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

hearts hearts. :D