death doesn't make you feel numb like what the movies say. on the contrary, it makes you feel all the possible emotions and shitass feelings known to your body. it literally makes you feel like you just battled a thousand orcs. like spikes stabbed your chest. like sand rubbed your eyes. like gears twisted your stomach. your head spins. your nose runs. yet you know you want to feel happy for him who has gone. because in your mind, while he leaves you hanging in the mortal pain-ridden world with all those crappy feelings of grudge, hatred, constriction, he goes to "that" place. he is happy. he is at peace.
this weekend i went to my grandfather's funeral in zambales. he was the last male of the their YAP generation. i'm sure there are medical terms for how he died but in my book, he died because he bled and because he got wacked by a frekken ladder. it sounds crime-worthy and TV-like but it did happen like that. i've heard so many versions of the story that i don't even wanna know how it really happened anymore.
people he left: a wife. two boys. two daughters-in-law. four immediate grandkids. hundreds of other friends.
i'm not immediate but i feel awful about it. i was not that close to him. i only see him when we meet him at the church and when we gather during occasions. but he remembers my name. and that's the best of him. :) he remembers all of our names.
"mama is suffering from dementia. it's not easy for us." i saw lolo's family's pain. i saw them crying. i saw the difference of "mas maraming karamay" as opposed to only two of you crying. uncle francis and uncle cedric had the hardest time. their mom doesn't even remember who they are. :'(
i'm sorry.
to you, lolo, i miss you already. have fun. eat all the cake you want. :)
RIP Jacinto Yap
1926- 2010
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