grow up, you baby

"i'd like to make myself believe, that planet earth turns slowly, it's hard to say i'd rather sty awake when i'm asleep, cause everything is never as it seems" - OWL CITY

well it doesn't. the world. it doesn't turn slowly. sorry kid. 

it's my birthday. again. wow. has it been 19 years already? boy. i've been here 288 months dilly-dallying and approximately 6,840 days bumming around in this world but who's counting?  

anyway, happy birthday again. go do some homework. 

today's agenda: greet myself (check), listen to owl city (working on it), go to work (in a while). 

108.9 degrees over here.

more like one hundred twenty thousand degrees, damn. 

i just saw new moon last saturday. i'm back to square one. by that i meant TEAM TAYLOR ulit. i mean, have you seen him? he's frekken smoking. i knew it; i'm gonna go crazy about this for a while again. i was already anticipating this since THIS POST. 

i'm just gonna shut up before i spill my pathetic desperation hoopla. 

click here for hotter photo.

*didn't post it na, looks too sexeh for this site. :P 

TEAM JACOB. c:

happiness is a warm gun.

warm things. warm people. warm warm. gooey.  

my firo-b test results came in last week. and boy was i not the least bit surprised. as much as i don't want to talk psy, i find it interesting that this particular test really nailed it for me. before that, 

STUFF I STOLE FROM THE NET (first):   

The Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation-Behavior (FIRO-B) is a highly valid and reliable tool that assesses how an individual’s personal needs affect that person’s behavior towards other individuals.  This highly valid and reliable self-report instrument offers insight into an individual’s compatibility with other people, as well as providing insight into that person’s own individual characteristics.  

The FIRO-B measures a person’s needs for:  

1. Expressed Behavior (E) – what a person prefers to do, and how much that person wants to initiate action 

2. Wanted Behavior (W) – how much a person wants others to initiate action, and how much that person wants to be the recipient 

The instrument also measures a person’s needs for:  

1. Inclusion (I) – recognition, belonging, and participation 

2. Control (C) – influence, leading, and responsibility 

3. Affection (A) – closeness, warmth, and sensitivity 

in essence, a person has three labels in this test corresponding to his (1) expressed and wanted inclusion, (2) expressed and wanted control and (3) expressed and wanted affection. my results ranged from 0-2.  

i dont want to belong. i dont express participation. my label is loner. i dont want to lead. i express no leadership. my label is rebel. i dont want affection. i dont express affection. my label is pessimist.    

wow i really should just live in a bat cave yeah? call me crazy but really those are all kinda true. so..

p.s. the assessor said, however, that it doesn't mean i cant be high in all these, i just choose not to. 

what i was trying to say in my last entry

my friend told me he was gay 7 days ago. and if it was still 7 days ago, i would have been still in shock and this entry would have been as sucky and remotely incomprehensible (a.k.a leading nowhere) such as my last post below. 7 days ago, i was slapped in the face with news i never thought would come. it's like bird poop dropping from nowhere. **not necessary but i'm saying it anyway.

but i think i finally got over that episode so whoopdeedoo. 'now' is normal. i'm not treating him differently, i'm not acting differently around him except i try to avoid yelling out, "gaayyyy" when i see things i dont like. i normally do that but now i try to stop myself in my head when i'm with him.    

one word though. BRAVE. hands down. 

last friday, he told everyone at a party the news and boy our friends are the greatest. they had the best reactions. they understood it right then and there. 

and really, BRAVE. 

congrats. 

dont-you-just-wish-you-were-just-dreaming moment

i'm bothered to my guts. i'm distracted and i just wanna go and sleep so that this feeling would just magically teleport to my unconscious and be lost there forever. 

if someone tells you something.. so..  SEEMINGLY impossible to you (pay attention to my emphasis on seemingly), so unworthy of ever getting any attention from you in a million lifetimes, its hard to let it off. its like a drill that inches its way in your system until it reaches your brain and stays there. only the dumb operator forgot to turn off the noisy blasted thing. 

if someone tells you something you don't exactly enjoy hearing exactly WHEN you are unprepared to hear it, you get knocked out. after you get hit by a jumbo fucking jet plane, everything slows down; you feel heavy and it drags you to that drill in your head.

I CANT FINISH THIS. I'M SLEEPY. my eyes are shutting. 

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ  

tadah

i got a new phone. yihee. 

round two

and we're back. i didn't have the greatest sembreak but it was good. :)

among the more important things: 

1) the clinic construction's good as done. yay. it's nice. 

2) i hope rafa does better in the next weeks. 

3) i hope this sem goes great. 

let's go, THIS SEM!  

*don't have much things to say. hehe.  

i'm just gonna go cry in my room a little, okay?

let me just say that I'M NOT GAY. a little maybe. :D 

me posting movie snapshots has got nothing to do with my emotional status. i'm perfectly stable. :P 

damn these love stories and their drama. damn this drama and its ability to bring shivers to my spine. 

it's been years since i've seen and even remotely thought of the movie titanic. this is what happens when i stay at home with no one as a bestfriend but the telly. it's a

 very painful movie to watch. urgh its not fun! it sticks to your ventricles and travels to the pit of your stomach to stay there a while and make you feel like throwing

 up. it makes me sooo sad i should sue it. don't get me wrong, i love the movie exactly because it makes me feel this way. 

i heard from ray langston of CSI that watching dramatic love stories (drama in general) is a form on masochism. wow i guess that makes me one sick jerk to myself then. bwahahah.  lit 14 says, on the other hand, that watching a tragedy is cleansing of the soul. huh. yeah, i'll go with CSI. 

they say the captain goes down with the ship. so if the world ends, will god go down with it? -FOB (how ominous is that?)

anyway, i just wanna say i really missed the movie. i forgot how adorable leonardo dicaprio "was." he's old na kasi e. but there. all scenes were heartfelt i swear. :) 

back 2 the bonfire

all i can say is CONGRATULATIONS to the ATENEO BLUE EAGLES! you deserve all the best. :) good job. 

i had more stuff said about last year's bonfire that stuff i can/want to say about this year's. huh. so i'll start. for one, it was mudfree considering the typhoons just passed weeks ago. i had my usual routine of breaking in the crowd for awesome photos. sure its the mosh pit but that's what journalists do. i've gotten used to it. (technically, the squeezing in was hardest when i was still at the back away from the stage; the front stage was kinda loose and spacious so i had fun taking shots.) 

second, there weren't a lot of bands. at least before i left (which was midnight already), no one went on yet aside from chicosci. poch was there and he sang his dicta license song with this ateneo band who borrowed it as a warm up piece. wow and the vocalist was just super surprised when he popped in the stage and sang with him. and that's about all i saw of the performances. phooey. 

lastly, i will miss noy, rabeh and jai. last year, i didn't feel super sad for chris tiu because he was just everywhere- commercials, magazines, tv shows but these three, i'm not sure. they could join pbl. haay i do not know what's gonna happen to season 73. let's just hope salamat and everyone else left are good enough. :P 

so there, my photos are in facebook and multiply and some edited ones in deviantart. 

p.s. oh wait, haha. about deviantart. i posted photos right, and then when i looked like 30seconds after i uploaded kirk long's photo, there were already 3 people who put it on their favorite list. :)) nice, long. :D 

my photos are also featured in NONOY FOR PRESIDENT (.blogspot.com) 

things before the finals

first of all, i hate IO. to infinity. i hate my teacher. i hate my grade. i hate the readings. i'm not interested in it, it can burn in hell for all i care. sorry. 

i was browsing this site, NONOY FOR PRESIDENT and saw some things that i wanted to keep in my head. one, jai's baby. she's soooo cute. :D i didn't know he has a kid. does he? but for all that the photo's worth, maybe. 

anyway, they're flooded din. aw. and how the ateneo facebook people said it was so sad. :c 

the finals is coming up. it's 1-1. so we gotta beef up. LET'S GO! we believe. there's an 80 percent chance that i won't be able to watch the game on thursday though. as i have said, i hate IO. yeah, i have a class. damn. as it looks right now, franco is not stepping down and she still wants to do the class, that woman. grr. 

i saw noy today and he's my favorite person of the day. :) we walked by philo department and we ran into him on the corridors and said good luck. he was all smiles and he recognized us. then we talked a bit in front of de la costa-- stuff and not getting tickets bla. so he was walking out and we went, "oh there", i said "pengeng ticket" extending my hand like a kid and pouting (AS A JOKE), and he laughed and said, "kung pwede lang e". and then we just all started to goof around and laugh til he left na. haha he's a nice kid. :) 

i love noy. GO WIN US SOME, YO! IT'S NOY OR NEVER!   

couch potato

how long has it been? oh eight days and counting. that's weird, i feel guilty but i'm not doing anything about it. how grand is that? 

it started last tuesday. i was still reviewing for my school agenda that until i found out that classes have been cancelled until the next week and or until further notice. and my golly it was mother effin' sembreak mindset that got stuck in the ole noodle. damn. it's as if the announcement in my head sounded like "ALL SCHOOL AGENDA AND ACTIVITIES ARE OUT OF ORDER. SO BEAT IT!" i didn't want to touch my readings like they were goddamn on fire. my laptop's probably programmed to only work on plant vs zombies and facebook all day. and night. sheesh. my problems now revolve only on what should i eat for lunch and when should i harvest my artichokes in my farm (on farmville) and which dvd should i watch today? and the like. 

my couch potato syndrome intensified when i learned that the finals have been cancelled. oh happy day! i told my dad and he asked me to go home. he is such a darling, he supports my dreams. urgh. 

classes will still continue and extend til the 21st and so my requirements are still up for submission in that duration and i will still have a couple of long tests as well. so.. 

gaaahh i just know things will haunt me as soon as i get back to school and i would just cry over my lost days and hours when i start cramming for my papers and readings. 

what am i doing? this is not right. come on, someone hit me with a bat! 

in other news. 

i officially took over the family business. wow. my older sister and i had a heated argument because apparently she thinks i dont give squat about thinks in the house like the groceries, the bills, the market stuff. so we told my mom and now i handle all the money of the house. i gotta make sure the bills are paid on time, there's food for dinner and house things like tissue, canola oil and milk aren't missing. its a big responsibility but i'm up for the challenge. good luck.  

p.s. like i said when i did, my prayers are still for the calamity victims and the volunteers of the relief operations and not for myself. for now, i trust that god has me only in his periphery and the people in need in his main sight. :) 

*sigh

dear god. 

thank you for keeping us safe in our home. i have been blabbing about defective internet servers for the whole weekend while people are dying out there. 

in our home, we sit and wait for the floods to come down. for that, i feel helpless. 

so now i pray.

i'm sorry for those who were not saved. i'm sorry for those who are still lost in the flood. i'm sorry for those who lost loved ones. i'm sorry for those who lost property and significant things.

i pray for all of you. i hope that those who are saved are as thankful as i am. 

please enlighten the volunteers and the donors because they have good hearts and they go out of their ways for others. 

i wish i were that open to that charity too but i admit i'm just being selfish and i don't want to work while i have school work h

anging. but my prayers all theirs. 

be strong. 

oh my it's raining again. 

long weekend post.

you are the loveliest fatty. :) 

Name: PATRICK STUMP

Affiliation: Fall Out Boy

i wanna marry you when i grow up. c: 

wtf commercials

i havent been watching filipino channels for the longest time. and then my dad comes in. he was watching tayong dalawa (?) and the rest of the other telenovelas that he follows. well there. and i saw these two uhh commercials.

ramon bautista for mcdo. :P

chris tiu for greenwich. okay i like you but this is too hilarious i probably wont take you seriously anymore. hahah. 

i waaaant. :D

wow 50 years of not posting here and this is what i come up with. sorry, fan coming through. :P

well i wont even begin formulating other things in my head to write here, cos aside from the fact that there are too much things already up there to distract it, i honestly and absolutely have nothing interesting in my life that i want to share to the world. 

my life is just one big blob of goo waiting to be poked by a wandering kid. come on, kid! disturb my life! 

my sister got at mad at me sometime last week cos i told her my life is school and that it is very hard. and all she said (or all i heard from her nonstop perstering) was school is just an institution and although it feels like its the only thing i do, there will always be larger things like your family etc. the lesson is not, have fun or live a little; i think it was more of a, FUCK SCHOOL, THATS BITCHIN' EASY PARE, GET OVER IT. WAIT TIL YOU DIE. ITS MORE FUN. or something else but for now thats what i think it meant. 

other updates. i already failed two exams this sem. i know, its frekken dramatic and dumb but really, its a combination of not knowing how to write an overwhelmingly factual essay and being distracted too much with other things while studying. ay nako. i gotta turn those Fs around. they're very baaaad. *why do i feel like i've gotten used to this? 

what else?

oh plants vs zombies. and much facebook. UAAP and ateneo stuff. LOTS AND LOTS OF RAIN puta. that's about it.    

GO ATENEO!

la salle just keeps asking for it. 

81-63 pare. game 2. 

ONE BIG FIGHT! 

Ho! Halikinu!

*Halikinu!

Halikinu!

*Halikinu!

Ready, one, two...

**Halikinu Kinikina

Halikinu Kinikina

Yea bo, yea bo, Ateneo rah!

Halikinu Kinikina

Halikinu Kinikina

Yea bo, yea bo, Ateneo rah!

**Halikinu hu!

Halikinu rah!

Halikinu kinikina

Rah rah rah!

i miss chris tiu. :( 

...

so i've decided. 

quit school. kidnap bear grylls then live in the jungle. 

good plan. 

eminem

i recently watched 8 mile. i know, it's been aaaaaages. well. it's a good story; it's very realistic. :) i forgot how good eminem was. 
WILL THE REAL SLIM SHADY PLEASE STAND UP.

GUESS WHO'S BACK, BACK AGAIN.

aww those were the days. grade school. mmmm. 

i had a friend back then who was really a fan and he dressed like eminem and knew all his raps. i knew all the raps too. :D that's why we got along. now i don't know where he is. :( i miss him na. 

pawis and cut privileges

kobbeeeee! yes you're yabang but i still like you. 

sucky photos, super hirap, daming tao. 

july 21, 2009

bonifacio high street 

meet and greet, sus. blehh liar! 

when she gets mad, i tremble.

my sister can really shout. like i'm-gonna-kill-you-today-if-you-dont-do-what-i-say shout. she can say things in the best way they could be said in that you (who she's talking to) are gonna have to think and realize, 'oh yeah i was wrong' or 'oh yeah, i missed that'. she can make you have cardiac arrest alive for at most a whole day when you think you did something wrong and she's gonna find out when she gets home. it's horrible but sometimes just totally necessary.

i'm a procrastinator. and if you don't nag me, or if i don't nag myself, i'm probably just gonna drop dead in front of my readings and homework. it's nothing to be proud about but it's something i find difficult to control so i have to live with it. my sister, well she's angry with me, most of the time because of my own fault. i don't hear her out or i don't do things when i can. i cram to the last minute. again, not proud but hard to control.

lately, she's been too irritated and it's very hard when she's irritated. we eventually got used to her just walking around the house and yelling shit. somehow it's not so much as the content of her ranting that makes us crunch up but the loudness of her blabbering. i think we've established that she was born pissed and will forever be the ass that she is. that's how she is. and even my mom told us that it's kinda gonna be that way until she expires. so.

yesterday she yelled at me for not buying something for my dad that she has asked me to do ages ago. yes, my fault. there is no doubt in that, i procrastinated i know. she also yells so much at the dogs for being extra eager to see us when we come home. she yells on buses, jeeps and vios cars that have nothing better to do but be dumb on the highway. she yells on the maid for not being able to do this and that, clean here and there, find this and that. yes she is one pain in the eardrums. she one person who you just want to hit in the face with a bat while she starts talking too loud.

on the issue of 'myself', on the other hand, i've been tamad lately. and really careless, useless, non-productive even. the type of person you could bury in the sand for some time and no one will notice missing. i don't know. i kinda am feeling fed up with all the readings and homework and shit. i just wanna lie down and do nothing. they said you could be dissatisfied doing nothing. really?

urgh, leck. KAYA KA NASISIGAWAN E, you lazy ass. get your life straight, will you? it aint working. you gonnn dahh.

i hate the rain.

i hate the rain.

MJ: Greatest Entertainer Ever.

i just felt like i had to write one more article about MICHAEL JACKSON.today i watched the tribute concert/ burial program of mr. jackson. he's just phenomenal. people love him so much and whatever shit haters say about him, he will always be THE MICHAEL JACKSON branded the GREATEST ENTERTAINER EVER by motown and many people.he wrote so much songs. he conveyed so many messages--- heal the world, we are the world, it dont matter if you're black or white. he bridged gaps; he made history; he was great. who knew music could open so many dimensions? apparently he did. i mean, he was just singing and dancing but the world saw so much more past that.

i'm not being melodramatic cos he's dead. i really just learned to appreciate what he has shared to the world. i knew his songs but i never really listened to them so now that's what i'm doing and there's no surprise that i'm starting to like those songs really. billy jean is stuck in my head and i don't really mind.to mr. MICHAEL JACKSON,
i'm just one more newbie fan. but i know i know you since i got to this world. i cant remember how but like magic, michael jackson and good music just stuck together in my preconscious since the start of my knowledge. :) i don't mind that they called you a molester or that you looked like a corpse already before you died or you look funny with your short pants and glittery socks or that you died because of anesthesia overdose. maybe they're true. maybe they're not. the point is i never considered you a bad person because you really are not. your family proves it. your fans prove it. and you prove it. so i believe you.

my condolences to your family. i hope prince, paris and blanket grow up just fine without you although it might be better otherwise. have fun where you are. be happy and free. your music will forever be with us. :) you will be missed and will be forever in my preconscious; beside billie jean and that girl from thriller. :)p.s. i'm currently trying to write a song for MJ. hopefully i finish it and hopefully it turns out fine.

sweet. sweet.

i can't write right now, i'm busy being psyched. puta, KOBE'S COMING TO MANILAAAAAA! JULY 21!!

LET'S GOOO!
i love this game. <3

switcheroos.

TALKING FOOTBALL

name: ricardo kaka
previous team: AC milan
previous number: #22
new number: #8
new team: real madrid
official date of trade: july 2, 2009name: christiano ronaldo
previous team: man united
previous number: #17
new number: unknown (rumors say #9)
new team: real madrid

official date of trade: soonthis one's photoshop-ed

yes they will be together in a team. hot plus hot equals drool. lots and lots of drool. *bleeehhh. more importantly, talent plus talent equals well, let's see what happens.in my dad's words: "KUNG DI PA SILA MANALO, EWAN KO NA LANG." hahah.

TAKING BASKETBALL

name: shaquille o'neil
previous team: phoenix suns
previous number: #32
new number: #32
new team: CLEVELAND CAVALIERS!
official date of trade: july 3, 2009
yes, lebron james and shaquille o'neil will be on the same team next season. woot! nice.

dad's words take 2. :)this is funny. :)

so there. yeah. good luck to everyone.

sexy tiiiiiiime

i just saw transformers. yay. finally. and i got free donuts for it. which reminds me, i havent touched them, they're in the fridge. saving it for an after midnight snack. you know, when i decide to start my homework. geez. anyway, yeah rise of the fallen. wooo.

i dont want this to sound like a movie review so ill try to make it sound as sane as i can without sounding oh so informal. it was fantasmagorical! *that's a crazy term i learned from brandon boyd. :D him and his gorgeous poetry. enough. generally, i liked it. :) transformers 2 was nice, it had a little bit of drama but i thought that was necessary so thats fine.

and SHIAAAAAAAAAAAAA. again. sheeesh. nuff said. damn.
p.s. megan fox was really hot. :)OPTIMUS PRIME!

okay, i'm just beginning to sound like a pathetic, ignorant boob here yelling crazy incoherent shit here so i'm gonna go. TRANSFORM! see?

bye.

michael jackson is dead.

oh my god. i'm... sad. :(

it's cardiac arrest at 50 years old. i never really liked him like him but he was a great performer and musician. why else would he have millions of fans despite being a weird pedophile?

but enough about his bad ways, he's lived an interesting and controversial life. but who am i to talk? i just want to acknowledge his legacy even if its not directly on me.

bye michael jackson. i'll miss your moonwalk, glittery coat and 'bitin' pants. :)

click.

my mom says i'm not warm

that's cos i really am not. not cos i refuse to consciously. i just am not. she just called me two minutes ago because one of her sisters (who just came home from the states) told on me that i'm not "malambing" daw. urgh that's so annoying that mom whines, "oh you dont greet her (in her old lady ways that she is so proud of) lovingly and suck up to her. you dont love her. nye nye." oh for the love of all things sane and un-gay, stop being babies in your own warped time holes! where am i, in the anciently used-to-be-recognized planet pluto in 1521?? give me a break. it doesn't mean that if i dont kiss her ass and ask her how she is every 2 godforsaken minutes that i dont want her there or i dont love her or anything like that. she's my aunt duh. i'm supposed to love her. sheesh. i think i've established that, or the universe has at least, since the day i was born.

being warm is just not my thing; that's the reason no one would dare be my boyfriend, seriously. i've shun a number of people just cos they're baduy and i'm not. it's not something that i'm proud of; just something that i have to live with. and they should too. maybe someday i'll learn it but i definitely, i cant force myself to being oven-baked cookies in all situations. my mom says just please be a little warm and grow another heart, and run the extra mile and all that hoopla and i go, fine, while she's here. damn she's so dramatic. overly. the thing pa is, it's just me. not my sisters and my brother who i think never even talked to my aunt; just ME. I GOT GRILLED. NO ONE ELSE. urgh.

in my head i have made-up scripts and scenes of lip locks with brandon boyd, nothing out of the ordinary, heart crushing climaxes but really, i'm not mushy and or cheesy at all. i'm just a creative storymaker in the ole noodle up there.

and for the record, my imaginations are exclusive and so is my warmth. i'll give/show/express/offer it to whoever i want to, whether real or make believe. YOU DON'T ASK FOR WARMTH! THAT'S EMBARRASSING. geez, mom.

brandon boyd

He writes perfectly.

My name is Brandon Boyd. I am a Los Angeles native, a Vegan sympathizer, an artist by day and come nightfall I sing in a band called Incubus. I am suspicious of religion, advertising and know-it-alls. My teeth will one day fall out from overconsumption of licorice. My closest friend on the Earth is a dog from France. I sleep diagonally until I have company, then I sleep lengthwise. I am straight, yet I adore sparkling mineral water. I have a bionic right leg as a result of a freak gardening accident. My right eye goes lazy after about 3am. If you feed me after midnight, I multiply. My name, when translated literally, means 'Broom-Hill' which I find horrifyingly exotic. I live in an old building that at one point in the 1900's was a working brothel. As a result, the ghosts of under paid and over worked prostitutes roam my hallways. So, there is a lingering smell of cheap perfume on the second story of my home after 3am, which might explain my occasional lazy eye. I am allergic to milk and as a result have never had an ice cream party. You may have just heard the sounds of very small violins playing behind that last comment, but don't feel bad for me; I have sorbet parties at every Equinox and spend about half a day thereafter happily cleaning the 'sticky' out of my fingernails. My right knee is named Chet and my left is Garrison. Everything I wear once belonged to someone else with the specific exception of socks and underpants.

I am quite certain that in the above rant/ Myspace 'About Me' section there is a sizable window for you curious and or skeptical observers to peer through. I have always cringed at the thought of describing myself and my multiplying creative endeavors, but it seems as time wears on, that the personal 'Bio' is a necessary evil in the vast catacombs of the "I wish I didn't have to, buts..." of our strange culture. So with that veiled apology out of the way, I shall now recall (for those who desire to know more) a not so brief remembrance of my time in art thus far...

The first piece of art I can remember is actually now hanging in my kitchen. It is a self portrait my Mother did while she was in Art School. She was very pregnant with my older brother and thought it would be funny to paint herself as the Virgin Mary. So this painting, for all it's cracked and aging beauty, looks very pious and intimidating. It hung in the guest bedroom of my Grandfather's house that my brothers and I would bunk in when staying there. On more than three occasions, I woke in the middle of the night and saw the eyes of this painting alive and looking down at me! My Mother ( the Virgin Mary) in a very ominous voice would say, "Go back to sleep, Brandon!"

I started scribbling in very small pads with very small pencils as a child. I have since been scaling up exponentially. In Medium, content and size. As my mind grows, so do my sights on what is possible creatively. This has allowed me to reach into pen-ink, paint, pencil, photography, music, literature and lifestyle. All of which are as important as the next.

The kinds of art that have stood out to me have never really followed any particular pattern. I guess my eyes and my heart gravitate towards unusual, dark, absurd, sincere and beautiful works. I obsess over line work and flow.

I have no formal training; other than a few semesters at community college and some classes at the YMCA. I would very much like to return to school in the near future and absorb the myriad different techniques I have been missing out on! That being said, I was raised in a creative environment, and that does wonders for a young person's mind.

I have always had a hard time in describing my creative style. I find the same dilemma when asked what type of music I play. But if I had to, I would say that I am doing my best to turn my mind inside out and see what it looks like framed. ;) Once you get past the gooey bits and the debris, there is the occasional sparkly gem that glows like the edges of Barbara Walters in one of her interviews.

My creative process is both complex and simple. The complexities arise when I try and understand what I am doing when I am doing it. It's like trying to describe the sensation of love; one is better suited just experiencing it for oneself. But it becomes simple when I let go into the process and don't question it so much. Kind of a surrender into right brian, as it were. But for clarity's sake, I have waves of creativity, followed by times of drought. In these times, I have learned that just reading, listening to music, and surfing a whole lot help to pass the time before the next creative pulse arises. It's been this way in my life for as long as I can remember.

I work predominately out of my kitchen. It looks like a kitchen, but it's actually...well, a kitchen. Things are cooked there, and things are consumed. But just as much paint is thrown into amorphous abstractions onto paper and canvas that reveal my inner perv and my longing for contact with extraterrestrial intelligences (not to be confused with one another) as there is corn chowder stirred and swallowed!

I like to allow any and all influence into my world. Cultural or geographic. Political, or emotional. As far as I am concerned, anything is game. I find that large parts of my work are observational in the sense that I am merely living as I chose and the art, in whatever form it takes, is the unconscious filter of my experience.

I think that to live a life of expressivity is paramount. To me it is the embodiment of freedom. I don't have a particularly specific statement that I am trying to convey; like the Romantic's Manifesto, or something akin. I am more interested in existing in a continual state of creativity. To be able to see the art in every occurrence. To find beauty in the mundane and in the otherwise trite and or trivial. My life, as it were, is not unlike one of my drawings; a continually evolving, bulbous, mass of thought, after-thought, absurdity, intention and enthusiasm. Scribbled happily in ink without pencil lines and signed at the bottom.

I am currently working on a new series of paintings on canvas in acrylic that I will have no idea how to talk about until they are hung and dry and my shrink is standing back from them with an inquisitive scowl.

I just did a quick proofread of this communication, and I am struck by how often I used the word, "I." To my count, it is repeated 63 times in this glorified Personals Ad. Cheese and Rice! You'd think I was a fucking rock star with these levels of self absorption. Fuck it. I think that'll do for now. If anybody has anymore questions beyond art, music, haunted paintings, relevance, used clothes, literature, tiny pencils on tiny pads of paper, heartbreak, disillusionment, love, death, addiction, leather goods, lactose intolerance, the future, optimism, nihilism, idealism, plagiarism, environmentalism and the smell of turpentine, please don't Google my name or ask your "friend who knows about music". Call me at your Mom's house, I'll be there having a sorbet party on March 20th.Your friend and lover,
Brandon Boyd

BUZZ

wake up, blog! it's time to talk about my life. ooohh my egocentrism. and how aware i am. psych.

so... i went home to cagayan and yeah i'm living an oh so lethargic life. i'm not bored. i did stuff. i've got stuff to do. i'm fine. yess me.

let's start then.
one: i bought notebooks for my brother. i covered them too. and his books. yay.
two: i am having driving lessons. FINA-FREAKING-LLY! sheesh. i got my student's license too today. technically, i wasn't supposed to be driving at all without it but what gives? the three sessions went in fine without it. let's say i can, maneuver the car just okay.
three: i had my first derma(?) thingy today. yeaaah. my mom insisted that i should just go do it. i mean whatever yeah? but now i have all these ointments and shit to put on my face. urgh.
four: both my sisters and disco have gone to manila earlier today. they have classes already next week. so it's me, mom, dad and toby, my younger brother.
five: mom and dad are leaving tomorrow for paris. gah i want sooo bad. so that's gonna be just me and toby.
six: toby's birthday's coming up next week on the 12th. hmm? what to do? maybe i should take the car out and pig out with him. tsss. not happening.
seven: driving lessons are postponed til monday sooo. yeah.
eight: i've been inhaling a lot of shia lately. there's TRANSFORMERS, DISTURBIA, CHARLIE'S ANGELS all swimming around HBO.
nine: i missed insaniquarium. i had to install it here on my brother's computer, again, so i can play it.
ten: I LOVE THIS GAME! okay so cavs lost but LAKERS is still ON beyotch! i've been so addicted to basketball and it's soo frekken awesome! yay.

more...
* i got through aisis without so much problems. actually without any that i can recall. so YAY GOD. you got one this time. sure i don't like most of my class schedules but that's as good as it's gonna get.
* i still dream of ceo.
* frekken slow internet connections.

overall, i'm enjoying this. yeaaaaaahh...

go away!

urgh you're killing me.
i can't concentrate.
go away.
what's with you??
what's with me?

fuck this feeling.

new yorker in tondo

i am not in the mood to write so..

1. we got a B+. tsss. can't believe the last group got A. *well maybe cos they've elaborate costumes. their play's the lion king. do the math.
2. i didn't forget my lines and i didn't space out.
3. we were all good.
4. i'm sad cos its over.
5. i still have this crush on ceo. and i don't like the feeling. and i might not be able to see him ever again. :'(

p.s. our group wasn't really close, in fact, we just kinda screwed around practices then pretty much left without notices. so.. yeah. i don't mind, i think it was a great experience and with those people, it's better.

here are parts of the script:

scene 1:
Mrs. M: Visitors, always visitors, nothing but visitors all day long. I’m beginning to feel like a society matron.

Mrs. M: Tony! I thought you were on the province.

Tony: Is that you aling Atang?

Mrs. M: of course. It’s I, foolish boy. Why?

Tony: You don't look like Aling Atang.

Mrs. M: I had a hair cut. Think it's horrible?

Tony: Oh, no, no.. You look just wonderful. Aling Atang for a moment, I thought you were Kikay.

Mrs. M: Oh, you are so palikero as ever, Tony. But come in. Here, sit down. How is your mother?

Tony: Poor mother. She is homesick for Tondo. She wants to come back here at once.

scene away:
Kikay: You unspeakable cad!!

Nena: Hey, carefully there!! You’re speaking top of my fiancé..

Kikay: He’s not your fiancé!

Nena: Oh No!! And why not, huh!!??

Kikay: Because he was still engaged to me when he got engaged to you!

Nena: Well, he's not engaged to you anymore, you just said it yourself.

Kikay: Ah, but I didn’t know about all this..

here are some of our snapshots: *i wont reveal who ceo is.the set. som 203directorsactorskikay, mom and guestsproduction crewgroup BD: new yorker in tondo. i'll miss you all.

iwrite. iact.

NEWS FLASH (muna): I LOST MY EFFIN' PHONE BITCH. I COULDN'T HAVE LEFT MY BAG OPEN COS I COULD HAVE SWORN I CLOSED IT. WHEN I REALIZED IT WAS MISSING, I WAS IN SCHOOL NA AND A CONSTRUCTION WORKER IN ATENEO SAID, "maam nakita ko pong sinundan ka nung isang lalaki kanina." THERE.

URRGGH HIS SON BETTER BE DYING OF CANCER. DAMN. I DON'T LIKE TO CURSE PEOPLE BUT DAMN, I'VE SPENT A FORTUNE ON THAT PHONE AND SIM.

SO MUCH FOR RANTING. LET'S GET DOWN TO THE NILLY WILLY. :P

so i'm in a lit/ poetry class yeah? this summer. and i've been scribbling stuff since then. i've been playing with words and matching rhymes all over. err i wouldn't say they're any good, that's your cue. but yeah most of the poems that will follow have something to do with what we have been discussing in class. one actually earned me a star yay. and miss said i should have read it in class. wow. that would be the day. sweet sweet redemption. (for all my embarrassing moments in that class which i do not wanna talk about. they must think i'm a complete dork and dumbass. urgh.) anyway here:

1. summer 2009: this i wrote cos i was analyzing a poem for a class requirement and i couldn't hear myself think cos the rain was just raging. also, generally this summer, rain's been the common scenario and i dont like it a lot.

i dont wanna hear the rain
cos its gloomy and in pain
i feel its groans and aches
that fall with the sound it makes

i dont wanna see the rain
that splashes on streets of Maine
i cant look at them drop by drop
all of them hurry down then plop

i dont wanna smell the rain
cos its sad trickling on the pane
its oh so wet and stuffy
it makes my nose all runny

2. My Brain Tumor: this poem is a required one and i got the star on this one. it's a reflection on one class discussed poem "Slave Woman of Tarlac." i did it for like 5 minutes. wow. i didn't know i could still be praised for a poem ever in my life again. this really gave me time out from my chaotic life. i'm not that dumb. i can still create.

I look back to that sight
The horror, gloom and the fright
I doubt I’ll ever see the day,
When this fear will stop its play.

My mind it keeps the pictures flashing
Those times I feel the pain comes rushing
My screams they echo, though muffled
In my head, all sounds are jumbled.

I am numb; I feel nothing
I see my soul start rotting
Why should I even bother to resume living,
When I have to start from the beginning?

3. crime of passion: i wrote this on my sketch notebook when i was in trinoma sitting in a cafe and driving myself mad because it was one bullshit day. i was so mad at yz; i was so mad at myself i wanted to kill me. anyway.

i wish to claw my nails through your flesh
dig in your skin, exploit your insides, expose your stench
i want to see you bleed, sweat blood, pee blood
that way you want be able to call your god.

i'll laugh to the sight of your severed guts
your brain will drool of fluids that'll flow off your cuts
i'll dance with the maggots that will infest you
they'll crawl in between and over your goo
then maybe i'll pull and push back that dagger
slicing through your right eye after.

i'll yank your hairs one by one, crack your skull and without hesitations
play with your limbic system like you toyed with my emotions
lastly i will break your sternum and pull out your heart
squeeze it dry like you did mine when your goodbye tore it apart.

there. i'll probably have some more. when i find my inspiration. currently it seems to be gore. maybe sometime soon it'll be ceo. (he's a cute guy i have a crush on in my lit class. again. damn.) i'm acting with him in our group play. nuff said.

p.s. yes i act. this will be a first in so many years. and my lines aren't short!

fine. just one.

i've been killing myself this summer with readings and nonstop organizer updates basically things that aren't supposed to be, period. i used to have so many things i wanted to write about here but i just didn't have the time to do it that i forgot what they all were. yeah my mind's pretty much profit, total revenue, marginal utility plus sun yat sen, treaty on nanjing, caste system and the likes of just-place-a-bomb-in-my-head-and-wait-til-it-stops-ticking shit right now. see i can't even write properly. i'm not gonna tell you about what all my lessons are; i'm not gonna rant about my schedule; i'm not even gonna tell you how my grades are doing. i'm just gonna mope here and type, see what i can come up with while my brain is dead. **cricket** tumbleweed** whistle. yeah that's it.

it's gonna be like this for a long while, for the rest of this god-forsaken summer. damn it to hell. now that i think about it, there's nothing else to write about. it's all the same. my life is as monotonous as it gets right fucking here.

in other news: swine flu.
in more local news: we finally got the wifi working. yay. it works on yz' and my laptops. hurray. and we were actually almost gonna buy a router. tss.

now: my eyes are starting to droop. i have a lot more pages to go. so i'm gonna leave this here.
P.S. this may be my most useless blog entry so far. i think. :P

summer classes.

i hate summer classes. who doesn't? oh well.

schedule:
7:30-9- eco 102 (economics)
9-10:30- hi16 (asian history)
10:30-12- lit14 (poetry)

booooo!

chinkehhh

i just found out last week that the chinky chickens stall is not in the jsec mall anymore. :( chris aint there na daw din kasi. that's sad. i only ate there like five times since... ever. i'll miss that stall though. CHINKYYYYY!

guh-rades. phooey.

INTRODUCTION: second semester was a heavy one. i just felt like shoving it off the cliff down to hell. sheesh. i hated it. i felt lame, uninterested and useless. why shouldn't i? it was the start of heartbreaks, failures and unappreciated efforts since time immemorial. well in my time that is. i have never felt so squandered and it was as if i was being robbed of my ideas and time and happiness without me earning anything that's of minimum value.

REALIZATION: wait i'm being sooo overly dramatic about this it's painfully boring my ears and starting to give my fingers a stroke.

PROLOGUE: i've been warning/ technically trying to ease my parents/ parents' rage since after the christmas break about seeing Fs in my exams and having nightmares of test tubes strangling me and inhaling 12M hydrochloric acid/ HCl (very concentrated) then dying of it. before the finals week, i've already established and they've already accepted that there is a considerable chance that i might fail chemistry and theology (i know right). that wasn't something to be proud of but i'd rather that than tell them when i actually fail and get the grades already. of course even when i thought there was little chance of pulling my grades up with my final exam, i didn't throw my book away and sleep the night peacefully instead i did what i could still do after screwing most of the other things up. i did study towards the end of the semester.

NEXT SCENE: enough crap and go on to the good news.

CONCLUSION: nah, i just wanted to put a period to the semester that was with the thought that i passed all my subjects. that and the higher marks than what i expected make me wanna thank god even more than i did ever, though i don't know how. yet. :P i didn't have any Ds and i had quite a good number of Bs. oh and i got a A! hahahah. in BASKETBALL fuck. whatever! what a bogus. hahahah.

P.S. anyway, thank you so much god. i know all of this was your plan. :)

now showing: constantine

oh geez i forgot how fucking cute keanu reeves is. damn hot. i was flipping channels and i went across constantine and yeaaaah. nuff said. and he was with shia pa, PERFECT! i'm meltiiiiiing. :D :D *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies

let's talk chris tiu

i don't know i think i just miss him. i didn't have this conscious crush on him until now. maybe i had it before i just didn't think it was there. *something. i'm babbling crazy language again. sheesh.

anyway, i dreamt of him last night and it was weird. here's the vignette, at least from what i have considered not exaggerating of the things i actually remembered this morning:

he was standing in front of a house. i'm not sure if that's his house or mine. it was familiar yet i don't recognize some of the rooms and arrangements. he was just staring up at the house. i went near him, stuck my face in front of his (sort of like a "surprise!" type) and i said, "CHRIS TIU, I MISS YOU." then i forced a smile and entered the house. my little sister was in the house, playing the guitar (i think), browsing a music booklet for chords i guess and i just hung around. before i knew it, he was in the house too and stayed in another room. after a while we were all in the same room and he opened closet doors to reveal a collection of music booklets-- kinda like the one i have in the province. weird. really weird.

it was relatively clearer than most of my dreams. in fact when i woke up today i said, "something happened, it's like i went somewhere." then i remembered the dream.
what's with him?
what's with me?

storm? check!

yeah the storm has abated. that line has been stuck in my head since i finished my chemistry exams wednesday. technically that wasn't the end of it because i had to take the perso final exams. i should have been exempted but i lacked 0.5 til the cutoff. bummer but what gives? and more importantly, who cares? *i should but nevermind that.

anyway, i'm off to the province sunday. my parents already booked me a flight even before i started reviewing for the finals. sheesh. hopefully, there, i get decent sleep and merciless dancing and playing hours. oh yeah. that'll be the day. sweetness. can't wait to meet my friends and to be in zambales for the holy week. and just be frekken free. FREEDOM!

BIG BUT though, i still have 2 more errands: one, the paper for english and i'm swearing that paper by the way. i hate it! and two, my presentation in nstp-- i need this one as a make up for one cut. tssss. anyway, i've finished it, LOOK:



so far, that's it for the sem. i hope. summer classes will be starting before i notice it but heck, i've already been in hell have i not? i can climb back up. so lay it on me, B*TCHES!

so much to tell, so little time.

i'll write about it soon. but for now...

things i (insert appropriate verb) this week:


1. finals week officially ended. but i have a fucking english paper to pass and a fucking nstp presentation to work on.
2. met jhoon and introduced yz.
3. meeting him again tomorrow for eh something.
4. i met kirk long yesterday. but yeaaah so?
5. dreamt of chris tiu. hmm.
6. must kill yz. pain in the ass.

fire torpedos!

1:30 am. finals week. what the hell am i reading?
clue: blurrrrrrrrrrrr. rrr.

aw kam onn!

an F again.
big whoop.
and i'm supposed to pass this?
fuck.
i feel the second-rate review and mediocre luvin' in my guts flowing out o' my pores and burning my skin like stomach acid on corndog bits.
not soothing. painful.
not funny. disgusting.
fuck.
hit me again. with a bat this time. maybe then i'll feel it.
sucks.







oogtsshh oogtsshh oogtsshh
oogtsshh oogtsshh oogtsshh
oogtsshh oogtsshh oogtsshh
sooner or later it all comes crashing down. crashing down.
sniff.

pursuit of happyness

damn this movie to hell.
i mean it's so fucking sad it's soooo good and meaningful.
grr. i don't know what to feel anymore.
it pierces so deeply.

here i am whining about chemistry while will smith goddam kills himself scrambling for cents, sleep and respect from other people and his son. damn.

i love this movie. :)quotables:

1. You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period.

2. It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?

to you.

you lived to perform. you were phenomenal. exceptional. irreplaceable.
goodbye though.
i don't know much about you but i know enough.
thank you.
be happy. be free.
i will miss you. i will remember you.



related topics:

EHEADS CONCERT1: ely's mom dies.
EHEADS CONCERT2: ely's friend dies.

maybe that's why this is the final set.

conaaaaaaan

THIS FROM MY LJ PAGE:

i cant believe it. i only watched like 12 non-full episodes. more or less. i love conan but i don't have all the time in the world to sit my ass watching the show fully. but generally, i love it.

but..

yes it ended yesterday (technically, that's when i watched the last episode) the late night with conan o' brien was one of the oldest bestest shows on earth! it feels so saddd.

conan said he might have another gig. :D yay. sana. puh-leeaaseee. anyway, the last episode was okay. conan still managed to crack jokes. no one cried, it was happy. he thanked all all the people who were part of the show and who helped him achieve what he has presently.


i will miss you. :( see you soon. :)
p.s. why don't they just shut the stupid shows like martha stewart? the view??? darn it!

jude

*suka*

NOTES: (leki)
A. UHM, WALA PANG TITLE. KAYO NA BAHALA.
B. PWEDE NIYO I-REARRANGE YUNG VERSES, CHORUS POSITIONS AND shit.
C. PERFECT YUNG RHYMES AT NUMBER OF SYLLABLES NIYAN. EHEM.
1. RHYMES- ALTERNATE LINES
2. SYLLABLES- MGA NAKA-PARENTHESIS NA NUMBERS. EITHER MAGKASUNOD OR ALTERNATE DIN.
D. DI TALAGA AKO LYRICIST AT 10 MINUTES LANG GINAWA 'TO KAYA SORRY ITO LANG NAKAYANAN. (sus)
E. KUNG MAY AYAW KAYO, OR MAY CORNY, WHATEVER TANGGALIN NIYO, PALITAN, ITAPON, BAHALA NA KAYO. :P

i.
you don't scare me (4)
don't you dare try (4)
i'll make you see (4)
i'll drain you dry (4)

ii.
you set hell free (4)
fire smoke and pain (4)
each street and alley (5)
left in tragic reign (5)

refrain
i will rise above you (6)
feel my wrath; feel my rage. (6)

chorus
crawl back in your blackhole (6)
tremble like death's come for you (7)
all the lives that you stole (6)
will creep, haunt and steal you too. (7)

iii.
you dictate what we don't want (7)
hatred starts to breathe, grow at last (8)
hear the screams, they chant they rant (7)
they're here, they're mad, start now, run fast (8)

refrain
chorus

iv.
you limp, you make your way (6)
see that stone, it spells your name (7)
this time you had to pay (6)
as you fall off your own game. (7)

coda (?)
i see war; i see bloodshed (7)
i see you; you're ripped, you're dead. (7)

refrain
chorus 2x