shut up and let me see your jazz hands.

hello long-neglected lover.

i wanted to tell you so many things since the last time i came by. i wanted to type my thoughts, experiences and heartbreaks for the longest time. but alas, as always, i didn't have the luxury of the hours. i still don't possess it at the moment but i fear that if i don't speak now, my chest would seize containing my precious heart.

oh hang on, i have to barf.

i just saw 'the young victoria' the movie and 'tale of despereaux' (did i spell that right) today and i'm still so full of the british accent and royal courtesies and language. i used to think that i would survive in the time of fairy tales and sherlock holmes but as it turns out, i feel i wont be able to go on without some little things. they are all so dignified and proper that cursing might completely vanish from my mannerisms. fuck no way. there i said it.

on to main agenda. i'd like to stay, type and blab endlessly about my life for the past months, the gap that has been breathing and clinging on this site, but i figured nobody gives two shits about my pathetic life, not to sound pitiful and self-absorbed. generally, i'm just not excited. about anything but sleep, coke zero, a hearty burger and music. (all maybe taken independently or altogether) the real deal is, i have to grow up and well, to put it quite frankly, it's not that i can't, it's just that i don't want to. i've always felt tired and bored of the 'much older' life. do i want new things? no. for petessake keep it like so. don't make me go on slurping my brain juice for mature adult decisions.

remember the rocker? robert fishman said he tried growing up for 20 years and well, it sucked. i agree. somebody has to do office work but it's just not that fun, believe me, i've tried it myself. right now, i have to be concerned about many many things that i'd love to shove off at the back of my unconscious more than anything else. i said i hated school but now there's nothing more i've ever wanted than to stay there, if it means getting these ridiculous grown-up concerns off my fucking back. i need to think of my future they say. that is what you're in school for they say. and that's what you have been preparing for all these years.

well.

why can't i just sit quietly at home and watch some tv and play video games?
why can't i just go to school and worry about a chem test instead of straightening my life?
why can't i just sit here and sip coke?
why can't i just go play my guitar til there are no more songs to play?
why can't i just play soccer in the rain until i die of exhaustion?
why can't i just dance in the rain and not worry about getting sick tomorrow?
why can't i just set off my alarm because i don't need to be anywhere the next day?
why can't i just play with my dog all day?
why can't i just go swimming all the time?
why can't i just live in the mountains and live my own vegetables, tend my own cattle?
and the list goes on.

wait i have a lot more questions. but i wont ask them anymore because to these, i already know all the answers.

i know i know, be careful what you wish for. good thing i'm not wishing, i'm just daydreaming. you wish for something you can hope for. in this case, it's just my imagination, just my imagination.

again, no, future, i'm not excited! i'm not bashing you. i just... i want you to take your time. distract yourself from getting to me that fast.

ray toro: face it, you're never gonna make it.
gerard way: i don't wanna make it. i just wanna.

i know gerard way. i wish i could say the same thing. i could but it's useless. i'm not afraid. i'm just worried more than i'm ticked off of course.

basically, i have a lot of things on my plate before i graduate. (graduate. the horror. but not graduating is death. so i think i'll take the road usually taken this time, thank you.) and really, it's not a small plate, it's a fucking solar dish goddamn. i don't hate my laze and my procrastination and my distractions but i do need to get smaller doses of them. gah.

shelley (in house bunny): so i have to learn stuff? about stuff?


apparently. suck. oh and life's a bitch and then you die.