no title 2

you know what hurts me?

sunday. the day after the funeral. dad says, bakit hindi na lang si rafa (the dog) yung namatay? para hindi mashadong masakit. he goes on to say baka na lang sana. kahit lima pa.

bakit nung nanaginip ako na namatay si uncle mo ricky, tapos nagising ako hindi naman? bakit ngayon hindi ako magising? :'c

i hate seeing my dad sad like this. he never is. he can be super funny, sabaw, angry, unpredictable all the time but never too sad and dramatic. it just breaks me. i nearly caved and cried that instant.

september 15. my mom told me uncle ricky was confined at sph. that day i purposely wore this ring that had a 'mama mary and a girl praying' on its button. i felt like i needed so much prayer and supplication.

september 16. i went to the chapel in between my classes this day. my parents canceled their planned eurotrip in the last minute and that's when i felt afraid. i wanted to be distracted. i wanted to skip my breaks. i wanted to get it off my head. i can't get it off my head. my sister texting me medical stats that i don't recognize but clearly sounded bad did not exactly help.

and then i found out. wala na si uncle. i planned to go to mass after my 6pm class but i couldn't. i drove and parked near the chapel but i started crying before i could even leave the car. my sister tried to petition for the fast recovery but it turns out we're praying for the eternal repose of the soul already. my eyes throbbed that night. i hurt.

madaya at hindi pwede. it's so unfair. these were the two words that described our thoughts. nevermind my feelings, i thought what happened was just wrong. i hated it.

i looked over on my shoulder on that funeral and i saw my cousins and their mom all in tears. i was sobbing myself but i couldn't possibly imagine fully the horrible feelings that this incident has left them. i could only hope that this would turn out better for them soon. they felt better, i guess, when we got to the cemetery and we were going to close the casket. bye pa! wala nang iiyak a. dare! damn i was the only one who couldn't do the dare. oh man. i guess it's just me and letting things go.

i didn't know uncle ricky that much to tell his life story and to make a hero out of him but i did know him enough to say that he was a good man and that he it hurt to let him go just like that. he raised good kids. a lot crazy but not dysfunctional.

now. everytime i see this car, without fail, nothing else flashes in my head.. but him. i miss you.