plans? hang myself.

DRAMA: Scene 1. Act 1- infinity.
Emotion: horrible.

i fear for my life and it kills me to feel this way.

i'm fucking beat of thinking about things i have to do, have to finish, have to die of. i plan ever-so-keenly what to do in the coming days, how to do things, how to not make a fool of myself and how to not die a horrible "death by failure." TO NO FUCKING AVAIL. technically, to some avail.

sure i get some things done in their right place in my time line but most of the time i just don't find comfort in anything that i plan anymore. i might as well say "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, STRUCTURE. I DON'T WANNA LIVE IN YOU ANYMORE. GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK!"

i want to be free. i want to stop this ridiculous mantra, "college. job. family. (cirque du freak. vampire's assistant)" i want to wake up and not think about what i need to do today. i want to look at the watch and realize, i don't need to be anywhere.

this is my issue. where it comes from, i'm not sure. years with some failures to identify with perhaps. or refusal to grow.

the thing about growth though is that all you need to do is get out of your circle. i'm doing the exact opposite. i'm stuck. in my present and in that planned future. i admire people who have their heart set to one road and that all they have to do is start walking. but i admire even more people who are faced with many roads all too scary but is willing to just close their eyes and let whatever push them to walk. now that is heart. what about passion you ask? passion is heart.

i blame so many things. i want so many things. heck i wanted to go to the world youth day but how damnit. how. right now i feel like typing junk because there's a pile of things written in my planner staring me in the face saying "if you don't do us you'll die"

i know this is most dramatic of me and i should just suck it up. someone ought to just strangle me and say "YOU WANNA KNOW HARD? LIVE IN THE STREETS AT NIGHT AND CHOLERA! YOU THINK YOU DON'T HAVE CHOICES TO MAKE AND YOU'RE BOUND, I HAVE TO PLAN HOW TO NOT DIE OF HUNGER! IT'S THE ONE THING I HAVE TO DO EVERY FUCKING DAY. OR ELSE BLOOD WILL BEGIN TO SHOOT OFF MY EYES!"

yes, my complaints are endless but again i must stop. right now i realize, this is bullshit. don't take shit from anyone. even from yourself. after you yell and rant like this. stop. do your homework. listen to music. pet your dog.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. - the fray. :)

capital L ame.

hey mom i have new friends on facebook. :D
i'm 50% sure it's bogus.

to my top four most favorite people in the world right now. cheers. in my dreams, you're superheroes.

click to enlarge.